Review of the Week

The Doctor Who Christmas Special
Reviewed by Gordon Godfrey (from the Cheese Shop).

I dishn’t get it! It…it…didn’t get it! I tried me bessssht, but I juss didn’t get it. Which one…which one wuz supposed t’ be the doc…(hic)…the doc…(hic)…the doctor? It made no sensssh! There was this penguin, right. Little penguin. Dead cute. With some kid. Anna nuther other penguin, right, what was female. Eh? You lookin’ at me, pal? Don’t look at me (hic) or I’ll break your fuckin’ arm! Nah…(hic)…Am only kiddin’! Y’all right you are. Y’ me mate, Pal. Anyhow…(hic) there were these pigeons…penshuins…pengoo-ins…right? Then the plot got weird, ’cos it cut t’ first worldsh wars an’ all these knob heads kickin’ a fooshball about with some krautsh. And ’ee gave ’im (hic) ’ee gave ’im (hic) ’is chocolate. His choco-effin’-late! I ask y’? Broke me ’eart, it did! It effin’ broke me heart! Then there was sheese two fairiesh…fit a fushk…(YOU WATCHED THE WRONG SIDE! THOSE WERE THE ADVERTS ON ITV YOU DRUNKEN TWAT! – ED)

Review of the Week

The Holy Bible. (Humorous Fantasy)
Reviewed by Mollie Sugden

When I was asked by the editors of this publication to review ‘The Bible’ I naturally jumped at the chance. This work has influenced generations of people, not to mention my pussy. Imagine, then, my disappointment when, after only a few pages, I discovered the book to be atrociously written, long-winded, implausible and lacking in imagination. Not only that but the publishers had numbered every line and sentence – a novelty I found most distracting and unnecessary.

As the book progressed I realised this wasn’t one story at all but a collection of unrelated anecdotes, none of which had a proper punch line. The characters were unbelievable (some of them living to over 300), the research appalling and the manner in which some mystical deity continually intervened at the most convenient moments was most contrived, and I am unanimous in that!

The book lacked cohesion, contradicting itself both philosophically and politically throughout. Some of the scenes were obviously added for sensationalism, all that begetting and violence making it unsuitable for younger readers.

Book two was even worse. It was just the same story over and over again, ending with a surreal tale about some snakes in a fiery pit that would have had H. P. Lovecraft turning in his grave and made my pussy’s hair stand on end.

Overall Score – 1 out of 10, but only because the paper was absorbent enough for my pussy to piddle on.

Next week – TV chef, Ainsley Harriot, reviews the ‘Koran’ by Muhammad.